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Aug. 10th, 2010 @ 02:45 pm Day before work.
Once we were pregnant with Elise, I vowed not to return to work after she was born. Actually, I think I figured that having 2 babies would for SURE force me to stay home (something deep down I really felt was important).

Then along came Elise. The most peaceful "easy" baby I could imagine. Not a colicky baby, not a baby with reflux or poor weight gain. She was born and all I could think is how easy this was. SO much easier than anticipated. I was feeling wonderful!!

But I phoned my boss and gave her the news I wasn't coming back for the fall semester (no surprise I'm sure). Then she offered me the night time position. I guess I'd known all along that would be an option, but had not really considered it... too late, won't work with kids schedules etc. Well she convinced me.

And the grandparents pleaded at me to take the job...in this economy you'd be stupid to quit. we miss the kids. Oh we can babysit everyday. Well so count my blessings I suppose most people would say and don't pass up the opportunity.

So I said I'd do it. The extra cash will make it so we don't have to draw from our savings each month. The time out of the house seemed perfect to me (who doesn't want to leave the house at 4 pm everyday?!). It's only 4 nights a week. And the job itself is super easy (and usually quite rewarding). And I guess I am a little excited to get out of the house.

But there's one thing making me feel just horrible about leaving.

Elise will not take a bottle. We have tried for the past month on and off, sometimes days at a time, letting her go until she's really hungry, me not being home, every nipple known to mankind, no luck.

And there's another thing. I look like absolute shit. I never brush my hair these days, and I don't think I've had it cut in 5 months, somedays my teeth only once. I got this nasty pinkeye at the pool with Kidren so I'm stuck in my glasses. I haven't even thought of dressing semi professional for the past 5 months and thanks to the C-section need all pants and skirts 10 sizes too big and now understand why women always highride their pants. lol. My eyebrows have filled and are probably beginning to grow together. And I lack all of the energy to change any of this before tomorrow.

I feel like I'm pretty sure that none of my colleagues will recognize me. lol. And once they do, they will probably think holy SHIT what happened to her?!! Maybe I could wear a T-shirt...two babies in less than two years--by choice and everyone would understand? Can I at least feign that I've cared for myself at all in the last 5 months? Better question, do I even want to feign that? why would I?
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